You would probably laugh at me if I told you I have been broken, left and pushed away more than 3 times in my life, and that is OK, because for me it is something to be proud of and I never feel shameful from what I have gone through, because even if you know or people know you are perfect for who you love now, remember that relationships are hard to build, especially long-term relationships, so let me share with you some lessons I learned from my relationships.
The first lesson I learned early when I was a teenager and I tried to apply in all my relationships especially the last one was "Your other half is not the problem" .. There is a lot of advice we hear from who around us, from our parents on how to fight fair. But what I truly believe one of the most important steps we took in changing how we fight is to change our mindset. To have deep constructed faith that you and your partner are a team. If a problem comes, it is both of you against the problem. it isn't enough to be one sided- faith, it has to be both of you, and that is the trap which most of Sudanese people fall in it especially girls, if you are a man you will probably face what I faced, you will focus on the problem, or the behavior and surely you see the girl is translating your words or your actions as attacking her personality or she will start thinking that both of you are not matching each other or there is a haevy pressure in your relationship. Always together think of the problem being the behavior or the situation itself not each other. If you view the problem in that way, then you both need to find the solution. It’s not who wins argument. It is a discussion for both to offer solutions and never give a single sign or action to your partner that may let him feel you might leave or go.
The second lesson is "Set rules on how to deal with each other’s friends, relationships or families" .. Remember each of you has other social communities so these communities can’t love your partner like they love you especially when it comes to your family or partner's family because you are their child as he or she is their child too. In a lot of ways, a significant other takes away some of their roles. You might reach out and rely on your parents less as your partner starts to play a bigger role in your life, of course you should do this, because this is 100% what should happen. I just think that the change in dynamics can be hard on parents and truly, I think this is why there is usually tension between your parents and your other half, and let me help you at this point. Since you know your family best and you also know how to fight with your family best, it is best that it is always you who takes on your family, this is the rule that might be the acceptable one, no matter what the argument is, no matter if you think your partner is acting crazy, you always take his side and make the fight your own. You handle your parents on everything and then he or she does the same with his or her parents. If they don’t like the way you are parenting, you take them up on it. You make the argument go from me or you to we.
The last lesson I would like to share with you "You are different and that’s okay" .. Every person is unique. You know this, I know this, people give lectures about it, but what you probably don’t know is how to communicate and relate to someone different than you. That is what relationships are all about. You get to learn how to relate to someone different than you. The problem here with most of Sudanese people is that, they don't differentiate between the behaviors and the personality of the person, we change the behaviors but we accept the personality and between accepting and changing processes people fall in a trap which is they think they are trying to change a behavior but actually they are attacking the personality or they are accepting a behavior which it shouldn't be acceptable, and let me tell you this, you will hear a lot this sentence from your partner "you have to accept me for who I am or you have to love me for who I am" which is totally foolish saying to hear, because from the beginning if your partner doesn't love you for who you are, you will not be chosen to be in this relationship, love is connected with the personalities not the behaviors, so no need to be angry if you find someone is trying to change you for better one even if he talks about these behaviors so much, take only angry actions if he is attacking or trying to change your personality, avoid words like you or I and focus on the bad behavior.
Finally remember, relationships are built by minds not only hearts, knowing and understanding the other person’s limits is important and being in a relationship is a choice you make every day, so pursue the relationship you want to have by actively making changes and don't make any decision alone especially if it is connected to something related to your relationship, have clear response and reaction, take your words seriously and don't change them, be aware of your promise, and if you end up like me telling others what to do, be satisfied and don't blame the life, it is their choice to leave or to stay and it is your choice to give them a second chane or to close the door on their faces.
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